Welcome to my blog. This blog is about the crazy life of me. I have no idea what is wrong with me. But I figure that it must be something. Maybe you can tell me?
My life, is an absolute disaster. Nothing particularly goes well. I am unsure if I can even write an exciting and dynamic blog, as my life is quite often today, as exciting as watching paint dry.
Last year in 2016, I tried Mental Health team in an attempt to get some form of diagnosis. This was not successful. All of my adult life there has always been something. I used to think that perhaps I suffered with depression. I really thought that ‘manic’ part of me, WAS the ‘real’ genuine me. How disappointing to realise that the part of me that I liked the most. The one where I had lots of energy and was very happy – was a mental illness and manic – or possibly hyper- mania? I really don’t know I have been this way for such a long time.
This realisation that my HAPPY was actually partly INSANITY was like losing a part of me. I felt like a part of me had died. I didn’t even know if I wanted to lose that part of me… then I looked back at my disaster, train- wreck of a life.
Realising that there was something seriously wrong
I had been through a rough time, and had to leave my long term job. Long term meant a very long time, almost a decade. During this time, I hung onto my job.
I thought it was my fault when I stayed up too late at night going to work, I wouldn’t sleep sometimes for a week or two. Just grabbing a few hours a night. Or when i went out and partied the weekend. Leaving work on a Friday, and partying until – at worse – being dropped off for work the Monday morning (I only did that one once).
I could not understand why I could not get organised? What was wrong with me? Sometimes I would be ultra organised, and so fast thinking. Other times, it was like I had brain fog. My brain could not think. I would spend the day staring out of the office window. Brain dead.
Bipolar in a new job – High to Low
After a horrific trauma. My brain shut down. I ended up leaving my long term job, with my boss who always seemed to either have it in for me, or used me as a scape goat. Fast forward a year or two. I got a job.
This job should have been perfect for me. The office location was great. The staff team was great. The attitude of the organisation was also great. It SHOULD have been great.
I was enthusiastic and really excited about being in a new job. I didn’t know, or realise that being excited is not always the best thing when you are bipolar. At first my brain was working at lightening speed. I could complete huge tasks of work. Then I started to work, later and later. I was doing strange things, like working late at night at visiting clients at 10.30pm. It seemed logical to me. I thought I was doing a good job.
Then I thought I was there for a ‘special purpose’ and I was there to run the company. Eventually. I really believed this to be true. Soon I would be going to work on no sleep at all. My grandiosity became worse. One day….. like a balloon popping, I sank. Deflated. It was like all my energy had gone. I could no longer focus on the job. My brain wasn’t working properly.
From having no sleep, I suddenly had zero energy. I started to be late for work. At work, I did no work. I became more stressed. More tired. I would go to sleep as soon as I got in. Fast asleep, and still that would not be enough sleep.
This was the most obvious of a bipolar episode. It lasted almost 3 months from up – to down. It was from here, that I HAD to find out what was wrong with me.
I had to leave that job. I left feeling humiliated and embarrassed about my behaviour.
Learning the truth
Discovering I was Bipolar, was probably by accident. I was researching something else. I came across Bipolar. Only….. it was something, that I identified with. There wasn’t anything about Bipolar that WASN’T me. I thought how my daughter had been diagnosed with it. My uncle, my brother.
I watched youtube videos. Lots of them. There was not one video I watched where I couldn’t see ME. I could deny it no longer.
I was bipolar.
Thing was as I watched these videos. I saw people JUST LIKE ME. I did not feel bad being bipolar. Not at all. The psychiatrist said ‘I don’t want to put that on your record, do you really want that?’… What an odd thing to think, I thought, this IS ME. Why would it bother me?
I guess his judgement of mental health was more than mine.
Oh – as part of Bipolar. I also have hypergraphia. Which means I can write and write (like a lunatic possessed)
I have been single 2 years. After a majorly bad relationship (this time not my fault). Navigating relationships…. ah that is another one. I will write more about this later.